Casiopea's "Funky Sound Bombers"

Artist: Casiopea (Japan)

Album: Funky Sound Bombers (1987)

Okaaay. Let's just start.

Down Upbeat sounds like the music in a funky dance routine in a really bad 80s movie, or a band in a really bad 80s movie that the director thinks sounds good.

Really, it just sounds like a bad 80s movie.

It's just bad.

I kind of feel like shooting myself right between the temples and I'm only 3:07 minutes into the album.

Kind of a "just end it right now" feeling.

Well, that was special. How about track two?

Okay, Misty Lady already sounds indistinguishable from Down Upbeat. That's always great when you're listening to any album.

But Jesus Christ, they're a Japanese jazz-funk band in the 80s, I don't know if I was expecting anything other than this pile of steaming shit.

When I hear this, I'm so thankful I was born in 1993 and missed every single part of the 80s. Thank God my mom has a defective uterus and had to have children late. Otherwise I might have had to live through this.

Okay, track three. I have high expectations. Don't believe me? It's because I don't.

Oh, how ironic. The title is Something's Wrong (Change it). If I were clever I could come up with so much.

Oh Jesus Christ. Oh Jesus fucking Christ. NO. NO.

NO. NO. NO.

They're singing now. The past two songs have been instrumental, but it's just a whole new kind of awful with vocals. You don't even know.

Honestly, it sounds no different. But, no jazz does. So, it fits the genre well.

I can't believe we're only on track four.

Sigh. Mid-Manhattan has some pretty horrific keyboards that I thought were midi at first. Thank God they aren't midi.

I honestly can't see any sane human being living in this decade sitting down and listening to this album AND NOT REGRETTING IT.

Let's just move onto Street Performer.

I'm beginning to wonder if this entire album is the soundtrack to a bad 80s movie (there I go with that theme again). I'm just baffled. This is the kind of thing you hear when people parody the 80s and the early 90s. Hell if I knew this kind of shit existed.

That honestly horrifies me.

I may as well skip the rest of the damn album (but I won't). Each one of these songs sounds identical to each other, which includes track 6, In the Pocket. In fact, they could all be the same songs. That just how similar they all sound.

I feel like bursting into tears or exploding in a rage. I'm not sure which yet. This feels like a punishment of the ultimate caliber. Why does God hate me?

Oh Christ, no. Dazzling has vocals again.

I think I'm considering the option of raging. I am just at a lack of words, but hardly at a lack of emotion. There are plenty of emotions going through my head at this moment: disappointment, rage, annoyance, pity, sorrow, hatred, pain (physical and mental), disgust... It goes on.

Galactic Funk sounds a tiny bit different from the others? Oh fuck, who cares anymore. They could have a masterpiece rivaling motherfucking Bach at the end of the album and it wouldn't be compensation enough for actually sitting through this trash.

It's times like these that I wish I drank so I could just get wasted and forget about this band.

At this point in the album (track 9) I am beginning to become sensitive to light because of the pounding headache that is taking over my thoughts. I can't predict what I will do next because of my irrational anger. Homicide and/or suicide seems most likely.

Track 10: I have begun writing down detailed descriptions of who I will take with me on my massive killing spree. Things don't look good for my dog, Emma. I feel my mental health deteriorating. The massive amounts of bass, electronic keyboards and stereotypical jazz have proved near fatal.

Track 11: The last track. This has been the ultimate test of my sanity, which I have been quickly losing the battle to. There is a light to the tunnel, it seems, and it is 2 minutes and 16 seconds away. I can't imagine hell being more horrific than this experience. Not even the most vengeful of Gods would force someone through this torture.

0 out of 5

ZERO out of FUCKING FIVE.

ZERO.

This is easily the worst piece of God damn donkey shit I have ever listened to and I hope those that enjoy it get the help that they so desperately need.

Cunt piss cock ass I hate this album.

This takes the cake as the worst album I have ever heard. Each one of the songs on this poor excuse of "music" deserves to be put on a list of "Worst things on Earth, ever". NOT JUST MUSIC. EVERYTHING.

THIS ALBUM IS WORSE THAN EVERYTHING.

Candies's "Best Selection"

Artist: Candies (Japan)

Album: Best Selection incomplete

Oh boy. This should be fun.

It is so hard to convey sarcasm over the internet, but that was it.

Candies were an extremely (and I mean extremely) popular Japanese pop-idol group in the 70s. If that doesn't just spell "winner" I don't know what does.

.... Sarcasm.

Apparently there are still fucking rumors that they will reunite. They disbanded in 1977 for Christ's sake and yet all the 12 year old girls (who are now 45) and pedophiles want them back.

Anyhow...

Let's start with Anata no Muchuu.

Well, it sounds very 70s.

And it's painfully happy.

With the staple chipmunk-esque J-Pop vocalists.

It's so repetitive, you could play the first minute of the song over and over again and it wouldn't change.

Sounds like some true Japanese pop. Fits all the requirements.

But, idol bands are all about looks, not about the music. Which is why I hate idol bands so much.

Yasashii Akuma...
Well, the first line of the song is the title. That's always a sign of utter lameness. (I mean, there are exceptions, but--)

I admit, this band is not as bad as the other Japanese pop I've heard. It's nothing spectacular, but it's listenable. Hell, it's slightly catchy. I admit it.

Toshishita no Otoko no Ko is equally peppy. Pretty much as sugary sweet as you can get. Those who know me know that I don't especially like that, unless it's purely ironic.

But, as if they wrote their own music anyhow. They were too busy dancing, looking cute and occasionally singing.

I can imagine "back in the day" rebels would have despised this, but "nowadays" it has that sort of old charm that is a little hard to resist.

Sono Ki ni Sasenaide's first line is also the title of the song. I just can't tell you how lame that sounds. In fact, they say it twice. And at the beginning of the other verses. I'm not sure what it translates out to be, but it can't possibly be that deep that you have to say it 10 times.

Shochuu Omimai Moushiagemasu again begins with the song title. Sigh.

Well, I pretty much want to vomit my intestines out of my throat hole listening to this cavity-inducing sweet music.

Haru Ichiban really doesn't bring much else, especially with that stupid song title (I believe it translates to "Spring is the best". Deep shit right there.)

And hey look at that! I'm done! Thank God for incomplete downloads, it must have known I didn't want this.

2 out of 5

I ADMIT. Some of it is undeniably catchy. I can actually see some people enjoying this. I may have even enjoyed it a little bit. But that doesn't change the fact that I never want to listen to it again.

BUG's "BIORED"

Artist: BUG (Japan)

Album: BIORED (2005) incomplete

Okay, so obviously something went wrong with the download when I got this, so I only have three tracks. This will go quick.

How about CRUSH first.

Well, it sounds pretty heavy, but I was expecting that. This is Kyo from D'erlanger's project, right? I hope I'm right. Hell if I know anything about D'erlanger. Except that Cipher and Kyo frenched in the La Vie en Rose PV.

But I'm rambling.

CRUSH is your average Japanese hard rock song. Not too much defining about it. In fact, it's a little bit annoying.

Not to mention... "Crush crush my body"? What?

Stupid, Stupid sounds... peppier? Yeah, that's right.

Christ, Kyo almost sounds like a damn Oshare-Kei vocalist here, what the hell happened between those two tracks?

It's a little bit sickening, really. Not just his voice, but the whole song.

I've never thought D'erlanger were anything special (especially for being a "father of Visual-Kei"), but come on, Kyo. You can do better.

Alright, alright. BURrrrN is the last track I have.

It has a hint of electronic in there. But so far that's all that is really interesting. Except it isn't interesting at all. It's repetitive and annoying.

2 out of 5.

Sorely disappointed.

Maybe the rest of the album was better, but I don't care enough to go and download it. I figure this is enough.

Buffalo Daughter's "Shaggy Head Dressers"

Artist: Buffalo Daughter (Japan)
Album: Shaggy Head Dressers (1994)

Short one, thank God. As usual (lately,that is) I'm at school.

Well, track one, Message From Buffalo, seems to be exactly that: a message from buffalo. For thirty seconds.

Dr.Moooooooooooooooooooooog is second. Christ, what's with all the filler? It's a damn mini-album and you're using so much filler, why not just make a maxi-single? For Christ's sake.
Finally it starts up at 1:12 with some weird eighties sounding keyboard. Similar to Apogee and Perigee, it seems. As long as the singer isn't Jun Togawa things should be fine with me.
Well, things aren't exactly going quickly so far. It's seems endless or something. It's not bad, just not particularly interesting.

In my opinion, that's the worst a band could be. At least I'll be remembering how Godawfully bad Boredoms are months from now, but something tells me that if things continue like this, I'll forget Buffalo Daughter.

Alright, alright, here I go with my biases judgements on the first two songs as usual. I'll listen to track 3, Cold Summer and hope that maybe I can get something from it.
Again, it sounds eighties, which I don't think is a plus considering this is from fucking 1994.

Well, broken English: check. I kind of figured I'd get that from the title of the album.
So far, pretty boring. Strangely enough it's fairly original, just low energy and just doesn't impress me much.
Maybe if I were in a different mood I would like this. Even then, it's nothing extraordinary.
And apparently a "hot winter is coming soon". She has repeated this about ten times.

Uh-huh.

Health or Die... Okay? I guess the title almost makes sense?
Well, this one is better. I can't really pinpoint anything wrong, in fact, I like it a bit. But just a bit. Nothing to get really excited about. It's just Shibuya-Kei.

Alright, California Blues.
As sad as it is, I really don't have many complaints. I just don't particularly like it.
I imagine those more involved in the Shibuya movement would get a kick out of it, though. But, maybe you should just stick to Pizzicato Five or Flipper's Guitar in that case (though, I haven't heard much of their material, either).

Apologies, this review is lacking in the usual anger, disappointment and resentment.

Well, here is the last track, Daisy. It starts with some man attempting to communicate with a bird and then saying that birds can't talk? I don't really know. All I know is the stabs on guitar are a little annoying.
The vocalist is nothing special, I forgot to mention that. It's definitely not bad, but it's got too much of a sweet, J-pop vibe to it, in my opinion. However, it's pleasant, especially in this song. In fact, I rather like it when the chorus comes along. It didn't stand out in the others, though.

Well, what can I say?

3 out of 5

I think that's the perfect rating. It's really just good. Nothing too special, though. I'd only get ahold of it if you are exploring the main acts of Shibuya-Kei.

Download

Boredoms's "Chocolate Synthesizer"

Artist: Boredoms (Japan)

Album: Chocolate Synthesizer

Okay, okay, let's start.

Track one is Acid Police and what the hell is this.

It took about 30 seconds to realize they were screaming "Acid!! Police!!" back and forth.

It has been over 45 seconds and all it is so far are two men screaming to each other. Now there's a crappy sounding guitar strumming away. This is impossibly annoying, really.

Well, around 1:42 some pretty thunderous drums come in and help the song a lot. I still don't especially like it, but it's tolerable now.

It just feels excruciatingly long.

The second track is Chocolate Synthesizer. It begins with some very high ringing, whispering and what sounds like water dropping.

I know this is an experimental band, but God I hope there is more to this band than this. Especially because I hear so much about them.
So, that track was useless. Synthesizer Guide Book on Fire better please me. Or I'll be quite discouraged.

So far, very discouraged. I don't exactly view bongo drumming with some warbling in the background as music. Sorry, Boredoms. Your band name seems true to your music.

Uh huh. So, Shock City begins as annoying as the other songs. And hey, it's just as annoying as the others throughout the entire song.

To me, it sounds like a case of trying too hard.

Except Christfuck this song is terrible. It may be hypocritical considering I gave After Dinner a 4 out of 5, but that had God damn charm and was listenable. I can not imagine any human listening to this song and thinking, "Yeah, this is good music."

Because it isn't.

God, why does everyone have such a huge boner over this band? Honestly...

Shock City wins one of the worst songs I have ever heard award, I think. And don't even fucking try to say I just don't "understand it".

Now for Tomato Synthesizer. I now have no hope of this getting any better. The grunting the man in this song is making sounds similar to my anger at the moment.

Oh my. Okay, this one is pretty bad too.

I can honestly say that my friends and I have made better music when we were just messing the hell around on sound recorder. We were in fourth fucking grade.

And these people are supposed to be influences? My ass.

Did I get their worst album or something? This is so Godawful. I can't even believe people listen to this!And apparently 87,000 people on Last.fm listen to it. Fuck my life.

What do you want to bet those 87,000 people are pretentious farts who say "you don't know music well enough to understand it" more than anything else in their day?

Well, Anarchy in the Ukk is the closest thing to "listenable" on this so far. I'm longing for the crap I heard at the beginning of the album right now.

Not really much to say. I am just relieved to hear an attempt at composing on this one (I use that loosely). It's almost refreshing. Still retch-worthy, but better.

Let's try out track 7, Mama Brain. Well, it has all the necessary requirements to be music, I guess. It sounds kind of like music. If music were gibberish and screaming.

Action Synthesizer Hero is... sigh.

This is a real special one. A special kind of annoying. A special kind of bad. I can actually feel my blood pressure rise. I hate this.

I actually suggest downloading the album and taking a listen just so you can hear this shit. Honest to fucking God.

Well, Uoredoms at least sounds like music? Not quality music, but hey. Join Mama Brain, Uoredoms.

I have such a God damn headache. Thank God I have an eye appointment in the next few minutes: I'll have a chance to rest my ears. My poor, poor ears.

Fast forward six hours. And I'm back from the appointment. Let's continue.

B is For Boredoms... They're really milking their name, aren't they?

I am getting the feeling this band is just trying to be as annoying as fucking possible. You cannot even imagine how ungodly obnoxious this is. I'm almost impressed.

I am not impressed that you can be successful with this little talent, however. I do want to know where I can sign up, though.

Eedoms is the 11th out of 15 tracks. This has been one of the more painful 43 minutes of my life. Yes, I have spent 43 fucking minutes listening to this in total. The entire God damn album is an hour. I can't even believe myself for wasting my time on this, I honestly just can't believe it.

Smoke 7 sounds like my late chain-smoking, out of his mind grandpa drunk and trying to sing.

Then it sounds like my friends and I in 4th grade again. I notice a theme here.

It's as intolerable as the rest. But, you probably expected that.

Turn Table Boredoms... Their overuse of their own band name is only giving me an even stronger feeling that they're self-righteous, pretentious turds. But hey, that's just my opinion.

At this point, fuck it. You know what I'm going to say.

Track whatever the hell it's at is I'm Not Synthesizer (Ypy?). What does "ypy?" mean? God, I don't know anymore.

This one is actually so, so bad I become angry. There are artists struggling out there that deserve recognition and shit like this is popular? God fucking damn it, Jesus fucking Christ, I hate people.

Now Dom Go Synthesizer Way (Why) is track---

Wait.

Wait.

This is....

the last track?

Seriously?

I can't even type I am so happy.

The end to my hell is over.

The last time I will ever have to listen to the worst band I have ever heard... Finally!

Can you guess the score? Can you?

0 out of 5.

I am not one to give zeros, because a zero is basically not fucking music. This is not fucking music.

This is quite possibly the worst album I have reviewed so far, and that is saying a lot. Actually, I am certain this is the worst. And I am actually not sure if anything can top it.

Something tells me this band's other albums are no better, so I'll be sure to stay as far away from their "music" as I can. A talentless waste of time and space on shelves.

I'll give the download link, just because you have to hear this shit.

Download

Bondage Fruits's "Bondage Fruit I"

I just watched The Nomi Song documentary so be prepared: I'm impossibly depressed, which either will equal me being unusually lenient or unusually harsh. Let's see what happens.

Artist: Bondage Fruit (Japan)

Album: Bondage Fruit I (1994)

Starts off with Holy Roller. I expected some up beat tune about roller blading for some reason. Seems I'm getting tribal drumming and a stabbing guitar riff, with some Middle Eastern folk wood winds.

Enter the strange chanting.
Okay, I admit, this is something that is getting my spirits up. This is nearly orgasmic. Bondage Fruit, it's like you knew I was having a crappy day and gave me this.

I can imagine a normal person would not understand this. Hell, I don't understand it. All I know is that this is one of the best things I've heard in a while. Never heard anything like it before.

The second track is Arabia no Zou, and again I have never heard anything come close. It's on the same level of weirdness as After Dinner, I'd say. That's a fucking accomplishment.

It kind of feels like I shouldn't like this, but I absolutely adore it. Everything just hits a good note with me, even though I'm still not sure what I'm listening to. I love chaotic music.

Kodomo no Torokko has the same strange chants and gibberish as the last two. So far, it has all been consistently amazing and consistently weird.

I looked up a little about them, and apparently they are a Zeuhl avant-garde band. Meaning they're obscure as fuck.

Something feels new to this blog... Oh my, it seems that each of these songs are different from each other? My Lord, this feels like a breakthrough on KaimukuListenToMe. Fan-fucking-tastic.

My overall thoughts: Kodomo no Torokko is a brilliant 8 minute epic. Not a dull moment.

Rigo starts off just as incredibly strange as the others, but I guess I wasn't expecting anything different.

It's short but it's quirky and intriguing.

Octopus-Command is the ultimate in chaos. Beautiful, beautiful chaos. It's just plain insane. I especially love the guitar/xylophone solo with the frantic gibberish at around 4:30.

Listening to this, my brain is trying to focus on one aspect of it, but I get confused and it all starts to blend together as one noise. That's how it feels to me, and that's exactly what I like about it.

After that is Hikou Suru Ko. I honestly don't know if I have heard them speak any kind of language yet, it all is strange chants.

This song is a bit more contemporary as the others. It's not quite as jarring or "What the hell am I listening to".

Oh wait, oh wait! Around 4:30 there is a real language! I'm pretty unsure what language it is, though.

Kakuu no Sakana is even more contemporary as Hikou Suru Ko. In a way, it's more off putting than the others, just because of how normal it is in comparison.

Regardless, it's a lovely song.

Kinzoku no Taiji begins very loud, and it only seems louder after listening to the last track. It's a real contrast.

This one has almost skat like vocals, and guitars that almost sound violin-esque at times.

I don't think I like this one as much as the others. Dare I say, perhaps it is too over-the-top. I know, I never thought I would say that. It's quite painful; not as easy to listen to as the others. You know, considering a lot of it is random notes.

Kinzoku no Taiji gets points for being unique, though.

The last track is T-Rex. Already I know that I'm going to be getting their three other albums. I hear they're still around, but they haven't released since 2004? Correct me if I'm wrong.

Similar to Kinzoku, T-Rex is a lot of jumbled notes, although halfway through I begin to really appreciate it.

However, I still feel the first half of the album is better overall.

5 out of 5.

I knew from the beginning this would get me. Fascinating, unique, original, raw art. I think I can guarantee no other band sounds even close to Bondage Fruit. I loved listening to every second of this album.

As promised, I am now providing download links.

Download

I'd recommend anyone who wants a truly different band to try this out. Even if you don't like it, you'll remember it. It leaves an impression.

BODY's "Flame"

Artist: BODY (Japan)

Album: Flame (1994)

Something in me doesn't have a good feeling.

But that's no different than any other review.

Track one is MY SELF, and I feel this prediction already coming true. What a boring guitar riff, oh God what a boring riff.

And the dealbreaker is always the vocals. And these vocals offer NOTHING. Typical. Bland. Boring.

But I didn't have my expectations high in the first place.

The second track is BABY CRAZY. Isn't there a BOOWY song under the same name?

(Nevermind, I'm thinking of Baby Action.)

Well, thank God it's not a cover. A band with so little talent would disgrace the great band BOOWY were.

Yes, I am already making such broad generalizations. I can tell this is not going to get much better. So, I'm going to keep my head.

Maybe.

HERESY is the third track. God damn it all, they're exploring their rebelious side.

This is honestly the worst song I have heard in a LONG time.

Do you know how much crap I have suffered through?

A lot.

This is an accomplishment. I mean WOW. HERESY is a big steamy pile of shit.

You would have to listen to it to even comprehend the awfulness of this.

Okay, okay, okay. UNFINISHED GAME will have to be a God damn masterpiece to redeem that last one.

Something in me doesn't have a good feeling.

...

It's better.

But there is some deep "whoa whoa, whoa whoa" that is almost comical.

You don't want your music to be funny unless you're trying. Honestly.

STILL MY LOVE is going to be a fucking ballad, I've prepared myself already. Do you see how I'm keeping my cool in this review?

....

Oh my God.

It sounds like fucking Shazna.

If you don't know who Shazna are, consider yourself lucky.

One of my most despised bands. Top 5, definitely.

Well, this sounds like them.

Meaning it sounds like someone vomiting a lame 90s ballad with bells out their asshole.

God, I'm not going to make it.

(deep breath) HOLD YOU SOFTLY starts out sounding strangely familiar.

Oh. Do you think it's because this band

SOUNDS LIKE EVERY OTHER FUCKING BAND OF ITS FUCKING GENRE?

GOD DAMN IT ALL.

Let's move on to the motherfucking seventh track, fucking I Believe...

I hate songs that end with an ellipsis. It's so annoying.

Especially because this song doesn't have an ounce of moodiness that would need an ellipsis.

Or any ounce of emotion.

Or originality.

Or talent.

Well, good news. Including this, only three more tracks to go. Other than that last paragraph, I've composed myself.

....

I just blacked out on my knee.

I swear to God, I just did. I'm not even joking.

That is how bored I am.

Bored to the passing out.

It's probably a sign I haven't eaten but fuck it, I'm blaming this band.

ETERNITY ~I love you forever~

Another thing I hate: Using unnecessary tildes. You are fucking misuses the tilde, STOP IT.

I also just hate the phrase "I love you forever", especially in music. Body are striking every wrong note they can with me. It's almost like they were created to anger me.

Oh... Oh my God.

DAY DREAM is the last track!

Hahaha! Yes!

I'm so happy, I'm not even going to listen to it!!

1 out of 5!!

I hate you, BODY! Get the fuck off my harddrive!