Boredoms's "Chocolate Synthesizer"

Artist: Boredoms (Japan)

Album: Chocolate Synthesizer

Okay, okay, let's start.

Track one is Acid Police and what the hell is this.

It took about 30 seconds to realize they were screaming "Acid!! Police!!" back and forth.

It has been over 45 seconds and all it is so far are two men screaming to each other. Now there's a crappy sounding guitar strumming away. This is impossibly annoying, really.

Well, around 1:42 some pretty thunderous drums come in and help the song a lot. I still don't especially like it, but it's tolerable now.

It just feels excruciatingly long.

The second track is Chocolate Synthesizer. It begins with some very high ringing, whispering and what sounds like water dropping.

I know this is an experimental band, but God I hope there is more to this band than this. Especially because I hear so much about them.
So, that track was useless. Synthesizer Guide Book on Fire better please me. Or I'll be quite discouraged.

So far, very discouraged. I don't exactly view bongo drumming with some warbling in the background as music. Sorry, Boredoms. Your band name seems true to your music.

Uh huh. So, Shock City begins as annoying as the other songs. And hey, it's just as annoying as the others throughout the entire song.

To me, it sounds like a case of trying too hard.

Except Christfuck this song is terrible. It may be hypocritical considering I gave After Dinner a 4 out of 5, but that had God damn charm and was listenable. I can not imagine any human listening to this song and thinking, "Yeah, this is good music."

Because it isn't.

God, why does everyone have such a huge boner over this band? Honestly...

Shock City wins one of the worst songs I have ever heard award, I think. And don't even fucking try to say I just don't "understand it".

Now for Tomato Synthesizer. I now have no hope of this getting any better. The grunting the man in this song is making sounds similar to my anger at the moment.

Oh my. Okay, this one is pretty bad too.

I can honestly say that my friends and I have made better music when we were just messing the hell around on sound recorder. We were in fourth fucking grade.

And these people are supposed to be influences? My ass.

Did I get their worst album or something? This is so Godawful. I can't even believe people listen to this!And apparently 87,000 people on Last.fm listen to it. Fuck my life.

What do you want to bet those 87,000 people are pretentious farts who say "you don't know music well enough to understand it" more than anything else in their day?

Well, Anarchy in the Ukk is the closest thing to "listenable" on this so far. I'm longing for the crap I heard at the beginning of the album right now.

Not really much to say. I am just relieved to hear an attempt at composing on this one (I use that loosely). It's almost refreshing. Still retch-worthy, but better.

Let's try out track 7, Mama Brain. Well, it has all the necessary requirements to be music, I guess. It sounds kind of like music. If music were gibberish and screaming.

Action Synthesizer Hero is... sigh.

This is a real special one. A special kind of annoying. A special kind of bad. I can actually feel my blood pressure rise. I hate this.

I actually suggest downloading the album and taking a listen just so you can hear this shit. Honest to fucking God.

Well, Uoredoms at least sounds like music? Not quality music, but hey. Join Mama Brain, Uoredoms.

I have such a God damn headache. Thank God I have an eye appointment in the next few minutes: I'll have a chance to rest my ears. My poor, poor ears.

Fast forward six hours. And I'm back from the appointment. Let's continue.

B is For Boredoms... They're really milking their name, aren't they?

I am getting the feeling this band is just trying to be as annoying as fucking possible. You cannot even imagine how ungodly obnoxious this is. I'm almost impressed.

I am not impressed that you can be successful with this little talent, however. I do want to know where I can sign up, though.

Eedoms is the 11th out of 15 tracks. This has been one of the more painful 43 minutes of my life. Yes, I have spent 43 fucking minutes listening to this in total. The entire God damn album is an hour. I can't even believe myself for wasting my time on this, I honestly just can't believe it.

Smoke 7 sounds like my late chain-smoking, out of his mind grandpa drunk and trying to sing.

Then it sounds like my friends and I in 4th grade again. I notice a theme here.

It's as intolerable as the rest. But, you probably expected that.

Turn Table Boredoms... Their overuse of their own band name is only giving me an even stronger feeling that they're self-righteous, pretentious turds. But hey, that's just my opinion.

At this point, fuck it. You know what I'm going to say.

Track whatever the hell it's at is I'm Not Synthesizer (Ypy?). What does "ypy?" mean? God, I don't know anymore.

This one is actually so, so bad I become angry. There are artists struggling out there that deserve recognition and shit like this is popular? God fucking damn it, Jesus fucking Christ, I hate people.

Now Dom Go Synthesizer Way (Why) is track---

Wait.

Wait.

This is....

the last track?

Seriously?

I can't even type I am so happy.

The end to my hell is over.

The last time I will ever have to listen to the worst band I have ever heard... Finally!

Can you guess the score? Can you?

0 out of 5.

I am not one to give zeros, because a zero is basically not fucking music. This is not fucking music.

This is quite possibly the worst album I have reviewed so far, and that is saying a lot. Actually, I am certain this is the worst. And I am actually not sure if anything can top it.

Something tells me this band's other albums are no better, so I'll be sure to stay as far away from their "music" as I can. A talentless waste of time and space on shelves.

I'll give the download link, just because you have to hear this shit.

Download