Casiopea's "Funky Sound Bombers"

Artist: Casiopea (Japan)

Album: Funky Sound Bombers (1987)

Okaaay. Let's just start.

Down Upbeat sounds like the music in a funky dance routine in a really bad 80s movie, or a band in a really bad 80s movie that the director thinks sounds good.

Really, it just sounds like a bad 80s movie.

It's just bad.

I kind of feel like shooting myself right between the temples and I'm only 3:07 minutes into the album.

Kind of a "just end it right now" feeling.

Well, that was special. How about track two?

Okay, Misty Lady already sounds indistinguishable from Down Upbeat. That's always great when you're listening to any album.

But Jesus Christ, they're a Japanese jazz-funk band in the 80s, I don't know if I was expecting anything other than this pile of steaming shit.

When I hear this, I'm so thankful I was born in 1993 and missed every single part of the 80s. Thank God my mom has a defective uterus and had to have children late. Otherwise I might have had to live through this.

Okay, track three. I have high expectations. Don't believe me? It's because I don't.

Oh, how ironic. The title is Something's Wrong (Change it). If I were clever I could come up with so much.

Oh Jesus Christ. Oh Jesus fucking Christ. NO. NO.

NO. NO. NO.

They're singing now. The past two songs have been instrumental, but it's just a whole new kind of awful with vocals. You don't even know.

Honestly, it sounds no different. But, no jazz does. So, it fits the genre well.

I can't believe we're only on track four.

Sigh. Mid-Manhattan has some pretty horrific keyboards that I thought were midi at first. Thank God they aren't midi.

I honestly can't see any sane human being living in this decade sitting down and listening to this album AND NOT REGRETTING IT.

Let's just move onto Street Performer.

I'm beginning to wonder if this entire album is the soundtrack to a bad 80s movie (there I go with that theme again). I'm just baffled. This is the kind of thing you hear when people parody the 80s and the early 90s. Hell if I knew this kind of shit existed.

That honestly horrifies me.

I may as well skip the rest of the damn album (but I won't). Each one of these songs sounds identical to each other, which includes track 6, In the Pocket. In fact, they could all be the same songs. That just how similar they all sound.

I feel like bursting into tears or exploding in a rage. I'm not sure which yet. This feels like a punishment of the ultimate caliber. Why does God hate me?

Oh Christ, no. Dazzling has vocals again.

I think I'm considering the option of raging. I am just at a lack of words, but hardly at a lack of emotion. There are plenty of emotions going through my head at this moment: disappointment, rage, annoyance, pity, sorrow, hatred, pain (physical and mental), disgust... It goes on.

Galactic Funk sounds a tiny bit different from the others? Oh fuck, who cares anymore. They could have a masterpiece rivaling motherfucking Bach at the end of the album and it wouldn't be compensation enough for actually sitting through this trash.

It's times like these that I wish I drank so I could just get wasted and forget about this band.

At this point in the album (track 9) I am beginning to become sensitive to light because of the pounding headache that is taking over my thoughts. I can't predict what I will do next because of my irrational anger. Homicide and/or suicide seems most likely.

Track 10: I have begun writing down detailed descriptions of who I will take with me on my massive killing spree. Things don't look good for my dog, Emma. I feel my mental health deteriorating. The massive amounts of bass, electronic keyboards and stereotypical jazz have proved near fatal.

Track 11: The last track. This has been the ultimate test of my sanity, which I have been quickly losing the battle to. There is a light to the tunnel, it seems, and it is 2 minutes and 16 seconds away. I can't imagine hell being more horrific than this experience. Not even the most vengeful of Gods would force someone through this torture.

0 out of 5

ZERO out of FUCKING FIVE.

ZERO.

This is easily the worst piece of God damn donkey shit I have ever listened to and I hope those that enjoy it get the help that they so desperately need.

Cunt piss cock ass I hate this album.

This takes the cake as the worst album I have ever heard. Each one of the songs on this poor excuse of "music" deserves to be put on a list of "Worst things on Earth, ever". NOT JUST MUSIC. EVERYTHING.

THIS ALBUM IS WORSE THAN EVERYTHING.