Casiopea's "Funky Sound Bombers"

Artist: Casiopea (Japan)

Album: Funky Sound Bombers (1987)

Okaaay. Let's just start.

Down Upbeat sounds like the music in a funky dance routine in a really bad 80s movie, or a band in a really bad 80s movie that the director thinks sounds good.

Really, it just sounds like a bad 80s movie.

It's just bad.

I kind of feel like shooting myself right between the temples and I'm only 3:07 minutes into the album.

Kind of a "just end it right now" feeling.

Well, that was special. How about track two?

Okay, Misty Lady already sounds indistinguishable from Down Upbeat. That's always great when you're listening to any album.

But Jesus Christ, they're a Japanese jazz-funk band in the 80s, I don't know if I was expecting anything other than this pile of steaming shit.

When I hear this, I'm so thankful I was born in 1993 and missed every single part of the 80s. Thank God my mom has a defective uterus and had to have children late. Otherwise I might have had to live through this.

Okay, track three. I have high expectations. Don't believe me? It's because I don't.

Oh, how ironic. The title is Something's Wrong (Change it). If I were clever I could come up with so much.

Oh Jesus Christ. Oh Jesus fucking Christ. NO. NO.

NO. NO. NO.

They're singing now. The past two songs have been instrumental, but it's just a whole new kind of awful with vocals. You don't even know.

Honestly, it sounds no different. But, no jazz does. So, it fits the genre well.

I can't believe we're only on track four.

Sigh. Mid-Manhattan has some pretty horrific keyboards that I thought were midi at first. Thank God they aren't midi.

I honestly can't see any sane human being living in this decade sitting down and listening to this album AND NOT REGRETTING IT.

Let's just move onto Street Performer.

I'm beginning to wonder if this entire album is the soundtrack to a bad 80s movie (there I go with that theme again). I'm just baffled. This is the kind of thing you hear when people parody the 80s and the early 90s. Hell if I knew this kind of shit existed.

That honestly horrifies me.

I may as well skip the rest of the damn album (but I won't). Each one of these songs sounds identical to each other, which includes track 6, In the Pocket. In fact, they could all be the same songs. That just how similar they all sound.

I feel like bursting into tears or exploding in a rage. I'm not sure which yet. This feels like a punishment of the ultimate caliber. Why does God hate me?

Oh Christ, no. Dazzling has vocals again.

I think I'm considering the option of raging. I am just at a lack of words, but hardly at a lack of emotion. There are plenty of emotions going through my head at this moment: disappointment, rage, annoyance, pity, sorrow, hatred, pain (physical and mental), disgust... It goes on.

Galactic Funk sounds a tiny bit different from the others? Oh fuck, who cares anymore. They could have a masterpiece rivaling motherfucking Bach at the end of the album and it wouldn't be compensation enough for actually sitting through this trash.

It's times like these that I wish I drank so I could just get wasted and forget about this band.

At this point in the album (track 9) I am beginning to become sensitive to light because of the pounding headache that is taking over my thoughts. I can't predict what I will do next because of my irrational anger. Homicide and/or suicide seems most likely.

Track 10: I have begun writing down detailed descriptions of who I will take with me on my massive killing spree. Things don't look good for my dog, Emma. I feel my mental health deteriorating. The massive amounts of bass, electronic keyboards and stereotypical jazz have proved near fatal.

Track 11: The last track. This has been the ultimate test of my sanity, which I have been quickly losing the battle to. There is a light to the tunnel, it seems, and it is 2 minutes and 16 seconds away. I can't imagine hell being more horrific than this experience. Not even the most vengeful of Gods would force someone through this torture.

0 out of 5

ZERO out of FUCKING FIVE.

ZERO.

This is easily the worst piece of God damn donkey shit I have ever listened to and I hope those that enjoy it get the help that they so desperately need.

Cunt piss cock ass I hate this album.

This takes the cake as the worst album I have ever heard. Each one of the songs on this poor excuse of "music" deserves to be put on a list of "Worst things on Earth, ever". NOT JUST MUSIC. EVERYTHING.

THIS ALBUM IS WORSE THAN EVERYTHING.

Boredoms's "Chocolate Synthesizer"

Artist: Boredoms (Japan)

Album: Chocolate Synthesizer

Okay, okay, let's start.

Track one is Acid Police and what the hell is this.

It took about 30 seconds to realize they were screaming "Acid!! Police!!" back and forth.

It has been over 45 seconds and all it is so far are two men screaming to each other. Now there's a crappy sounding guitar strumming away. This is impossibly annoying, really.

Well, around 1:42 some pretty thunderous drums come in and help the song a lot. I still don't especially like it, but it's tolerable now.

It just feels excruciatingly long.

The second track is Chocolate Synthesizer. It begins with some very high ringing, whispering and what sounds like water dropping.

I know this is an experimental band, but God I hope there is more to this band than this. Especially because I hear so much about them.
So, that track was useless. Synthesizer Guide Book on Fire better please me. Or I'll be quite discouraged.

So far, very discouraged. I don't exactly view bongo drumming with some warbling in the background as music. Sorry, Boredoms. Your band name seems true to your music.

Uh huh. So, Shock City begins as annoying as the other songs. And hey, it's just as annoying as the others throughout the entire song.

To me, it sounds like a case of trying too hard.

Except Christfuck this song is terrible. It may be hypocritical considering I gave After Dinner a 4 out of 5, but that had God damn charm and was listenable. I can not imagine any human listening to this song and thinking, "Yeah, this is good music."

Because it isn't.

God, why does everyone have such a huge boner over this band? Honestly...

Shock City wins one of the worst songs I have ever heard award, I think. And don't even fucking try to say I just don't "understand it".

Now for Tomato Synthesizer. I now have no hope of this getting any better. The grunting the man in this song is making sounds similar to my anger at the moment.

Oh my. Okay, this one is pretty bad too.

I can honestly say that my friends and I have made better music when we were just messing the hell around on sound recorder. We were in fourth fucking grade.

And these people are supposed to be influences? My ass.

Did I get their worst album or something? This is so Godawful. I can't even believe people listen to this!And apparently 87,000 people on Last.fm listen to it. Fuck my life.

What do you want to bet those 87,000 people are pretentious farts who say "you don't know music well enough to understand it" more than anything else in their day?

Well, Anarchy in the Ukk is the closest thing to "listenable" on this so far. I'm longing for the crap I heard at the beginning of the album right now.

Not really much to say. I am just relieved to hear an attempt at composing on this one (I use that loosely). It's almost refreshing. Still retch-worthy, but better.

Let's try out track 7, Mama Brain. Well, it has all the necessary requirements to be music, I guess. It sounds kind of like music. If music were gibberish and screaming.

Action Synthesizer Hero is... sigh.

This is a real special one. A special kind of annoying. A special kind of bad. I can actually feel my blood pressure rise. I hate this.

I actually suggest downloading the album and taking a listen just so you can hear this shit. Honest to fucking God.

Well, Uoredoms at least sounds like music? Not quality music, but hey. Join Mama Brain, Uoredoms.

I have such a God damn headache. Thank God I have an eye appointment in the next few minutes: I'll have a chance to rest my ears. My poor, poor ears.

Fast forward six hours. And I'm back from the appointment. Let's continue.

B is For Boredoms... They're really milking their name, aren't they?

I am getting the feeling this band is just trying to be as annoying as fucking possible. You cannot even imagine how ungodly obnoxious this is. I'm almost impressed.

I am not impressed that you can be successful with this little talent, however. I do want to know where I can sign up, though.

Eedoms is the 11th out of 15 tracks. This has been one of the more painful 43 minutes of my life. Yes, I have spent 43 fucking minutes listening to this in total. The entire God damn album is an hour. I can't even believe myself for wasting my time on this, I honestly just can't believe it.

Smoke 7 sounds like my late chain-smoking, out of his mind grandpa drunk and trying to sing.

Then it sounds like my friends and I in 4th grade again. I notice a theme here.

It's as intolerable as the rest. But, you probably expected that.

Turn Table Boredoms... Their overuse of their own band name is only giving me an even stronger feeling that they're self-righteous, pretentious turds. But hey, that's just my opinion.

At this point, fuck it. You know what I'm going to say.

Track whatever the hell it's at is I'm Not Synthesizer (Ypy?). What does "ypy?" mean? God, I don't know anymore.

This one is actually so, so bad I become angry. There are artists struggling out there that deserve recognition and shit like this is popular? God fucking damn it, Jesus fucking Christ, I hate people.

Now Dom Go Synthesizer Way (Why) is track---

Wait.

Wait.

This is....

the last track?

Seriously?

I can't even type I am so happy.

The end to my hell is over.

The last time I will ever have to listen to the worst band I have ever heard... Finally!

Can you guess the score? Can you?

0 out of 5.

I am not one to give zeros, because a zero is basically not fucking music. This is not fucking music.

This is quite possibly the worst album I have reviewed so far, and that is saying a lot. Actually, I am certain this is the worst. And I am actually not sure if anything can top it.

Something tells me this band's other albums are no better, so I'll be sure to stay as far away from their "music" as I can. A talentless waste of time and space on shelves.

I'll give the download link, just because you have to hear this shit.

Download

Barbee Boys's "BLACK LIST", "Listen! Barbee Boys 4" and "3rd. Break"

Artist: Barbee Boys (Japan)
Album: BLACK LIST (1988)

Oh God. The first tracks I see are “C’mon, Let’s Go!” and Blue Blue Rose”. This band is an early 1990s Visual-Kei band, aren’t they? I guess we’ll see.

Oohhh boy, C’mon, Let’s Go! is already a charm… There’s a fucking duet between a man and a woman vocalist. Cheesiness factor 12. What the hell was I expecting from a band named “Barbee Boys” anyhow? Something not completely lame and embarrassing to the human race? Haha, how silly of me.

Alrighty, Blue Blue Rose… At the very least it’s darker. It’s not quite as bad, it might be better if the vocalist didn’t sound like such a little pussy.
The guitar is kind of great, though. That’s what sad about it all. It has the potential to be really good, but there’s just tiny little things holding it back. And the result somehow is very… not good.
I have the feeling this will be the best this band has to offer, though.

(Still have no internet, and there’s damn kana in the title again. Correct me if I’m wrong.)
Demo?! Shou ga nai suffers the same problems as Blue Blue Rose. The guitars? Good. The vocals? Stupid and annoying and generally just a bad idea. Honestly, give me the guitar tracks from this album and I’d be perfectly happy. It’s everything else that I don’t like.
At least I don’t think it’s Visual-Kei.

Blahblahkanji de DANCE is… oh come on, cut it out with that damn duet. Oh Christ, they growled when they said “kirai, kirai”. How fucking lame is that?! They’re just saying a verb twice, over and over again! The stupidity is overwhelming!!
Okay, the brass instrument solo (don’t know what it is) is pretty cool, and other than the singing, I really like it. But the singing just hits you in the face. It’s just not good.
I’ve figured it out! The vocalists think they’re in a pop-rock band, but wandered into a dark, rock bands jam session, and they happened to accidentally record it. And BLACK LIST was born.

(kanji) no (kanji) de ma batakuo (I totally fucked up that title, apologies) is probably the most tolerable, I guess.
Okay, okay, fine, I’ll admit it! Their use of brass instruments for their solos rather than the typical guitar is really great! Just--- ahh! This is so depressing! So much could be fixed, so easily!...

(I can’t read a single character of the title) already sounds cheese-tastic. Sounds like this is the obligatory ballad of the album, huh? Great. Just what this band needs: focus on the vocalist.
Oh god, he just said, “face to face” at the end of his verse. I think I’m going to be sick.
The sad thing is that the female vocalist could work in some kind of hard rock band if she tweaked it a little. But there’s just something completely “off”. There’s no hope for the man, though.

(kanji) cryin’ on the beach… Crying on the beach, awesome. Honestly, this one is almost indistinguishable from the last song I heard. At one point I checked my iPod to see if I accidentally selected the wrong song.
This is so bland. It’s as interesting as vanilla yogurt. Plain vanilla, without any fruit or sprinkles or whatever you would put on yogurt.

Mo yada! is so… so…
Ahhhhhhhh!!
I think the album is getting worse. It’s lost any edge it once had, even if that “edginess” was hidden under a thick layer of lame.

At least MIDNIGHT CALL sounds pretty interesting. Okay, nevermind. I swear, the second they start singing, I immediately despise it. These two are some of the most unlikeable vocalists I’ve ever heard. It’s not that they’re bad singers or anything, they’re just pretentious and annoying.

(kanji) sa nai might be dark, based on this beginning. Oh, who am I kidding? It’s just going to suck like the others.
Really, it just confuses me. The whole album has confused me so far. I just don’t get the vocals at all. I realize that my constant complaints about that is getting annoying, but I just can’t get over it. It’s so bizarre.

I just want this to be over once and for all.
So (kanji)keru mo n ka, what do you have for me? Obviously nothing, it sounds exactly like the others. Can’t you put some effort into this, Barbee Boys?

Oh thank god, the last track. It’s all in Katakana, and I can’t read it, but maybe that’s for the best.
You know what? Fuck it. Just end this hell.

1 and ½ out of 5.
I think I’ve said it all.

… What’s that?
What?
What?
WHAT?!

I have two more fucking albums by Barbee Boys?!?
There really is no God.



Album: Listen! Barbee Boys 4

Aww, that’s sad. They’re begging me to listen to this one. Just look at the title. Aww.

Oh? Hachi awase no (kana) sounds really, really cool.
….
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!!
Why didn’t they replace the vocalists?! Whyyyyyyyyy?
It seems that the second those damn vocals come on, the instruments stop being… good. I don’t know how to explain it, but this is one of the cases where the singing literally ruins the music.

(kanji)ita mama de listen to me (ORIGINAL MIX) is track two. Again, they’re trying to keep me listening. That’s so pitiful, Barbee Boys. If you want people to keep listening, kick those vocalists out!

Dear Wagamama Eirian… Did he just say “Juicy eyes, rosy face”? What the hell? Well, the woman will just repeat him, so maybe I can see if they really did. I hope not.
Somehow, this is even less interesting than the others. It’s like they aren’t even trying..

Gomen Nasai is track four. See? See? They’re finally apologizing to me for the things I’ve had to endure (gomen nasai means “sorry” in Japanese for the stupid and uninformed. Oh, you know I’m just kidding).

Onna gitsune on the run (ORIGINAL “BIG BOWL” VERSION) is just…
The album is getting progressively worse as time goes on. By this point they’re really aren’t any redeeming qualities. It’s just a steaming pile of 90s crap.

Waai Waai Wai starts with that saxophone. That’s getting pretty annoying by this point.
And “Waai Waai Wai” is what I’ve been saying this entire time. “Waai Waai Wai didn’t they kick them out?! Waai Waai Wai were they signed?!”

(kanji) de (kanji) ru Papa he no Tegami really is just no different from the others. It’s track seven. That’s it. That’s all it has going for it.
It’s pretty damn lazy the chorus is just them repeating the title twice. Nice going, Barbee Boys.

(kanji) no (kanji) is just about as unique as Aikawa Nanase’s “R.U.O.K.?!”. (It’s in the tags, find it yourself.)

Noisy is going to sound identical to the others; I know that even before the thing starts. And look at that! It does!
To fans of Barbee Boys out there: Are you honestly able to tell the difference between these songs? If so, how?! It just floors me.

Kuchi ni (kana)yakku is so boring, I let the entire song go by without me noticing. I was trying to figure out that one kana and just let it slip by. Well, that doesn’t upset me in the slightest.

The last track! The last fucking track! The last fucking track!! I’m so much closer to never having to listen to this damn band again. So close. But, I still have another album. Please god, let it be a single, a maxi-single… Even a mini-album! I can’t sit through another full length album by these people!

1 out of 5.
This is somehow worse than the last album. The only good quality is that the first track has really amazing instruments. If only the vocalists didn’t have to ruin everything in their wake.

Now, let’s see the track number on the last of Barbee Boys album I own… Oh, let it be short, let it be short, let it be short, big money, big money, big money, whammy!
Huh? Oh, the track number, right.

…
…
Fuck.
It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay. There’s only nine tracks.
Oh, I’m going insane.


Album: 3rd. Break

Well, I’ve lost all hope. The first track sounds exactly like everything else this poor excuse for a band has shat out of its uncreative intestines. (What, was that too descriptive?)
And you know that they had to be at least mildly popular if they made three albums.
A fanbase… Ohh, I long to know what the Barbee Boys fandom is like.

Don namon dai (kana) really does nothing to bring some variety, I see. I have the greatest urge to just slap the hell out of this band and scold them for what they’ve done.

Haya Mattara iya Daze (I think I’m getting worse at deciphering these titles) seems to try to make it edgier or something. I don’t know, it’s just bad. Bad, bad, bad. I hate this band so much, they are easily one of the unlikeable bands I’ve ever heard. I just get the overwhelming feeling that they’re pretentious dicks. Kind of the same feeling I get when I listen to U2, except that I know they’re pretentious dicks.

Track four is terrible, too.

Track five is amazing!
Wouldn’t you be surprised if I said something like that? Yeah, except I’m not going to. Track five is awful as well.

Okay, you know what? Enough. Just fucking enough. I hate this band, I hate everything about this god damn band and I hope I never am forced to listen to it again. I am deleting every last speck of Barbee Boys off my hard drive and the second I hear their music again, I am going to have a nervous breakdown. If I hear one millisecond of their music from this point on, you will find me half naked on the toilet eating crayons and naming my eye-crud.
FUCKITY FUCK FUCK FUCCKKKK.

0 out of 5.
I was merciful on the first two albums, but at this point, no pity. Zero zero zero zero zero. No, this is absolute zero out of five. Nothing is lower, it’s absolute zero.

Beatniks are my next review. I have some faith in them, so let’s hope for the best. After this torture, I need something quality.
If Beatniks don’t deliver, I’m going to lose it.

Abigail- "Decending from a Blackened Sky"

Artist: Abigail (Japan)
Album: Decending from a Blackened Sky

The album starts off with a boring bell instrumental (entitled "Swing Your Hammer"), which sets up for a gothic-inspired sound. But, at the second track, "The Lord of Satan", it immediately jumps into a low quality bastardization of black metal. The vocalist has an annoying, "hardcore" growl and the instruments are difficult to even hear. From what I do hear, however, it's just noise: the dummer apparently only knows of the cymbals on his kit, the guitarist is just strumming away some terrible riff as the vocalist growls and laughs all "scary-like". And don't bother with the bassist, the quality is so bad, I can hardly hear it. And that's just the second track.

The third track (Mephistopheles) isn't quite as bad, but it's still bad. At least I hear an attempt at composition. It's a start. Even if it sounds almost identical to their last track, Count Barboros. Okay, nevermind, it's really, really bad.

Track four, Decending from a Blackened Sky, is another boring midi-bell instrumental. Is this really necessary? You'd think you'd make the track that your album is named after a bit more... quality. Abigail must just be too ~*~HaRdCoRe~*~ for quality. I just don't ~*~UNDERSTAND IT~*~. Okay, okay, enough with the sparkles.

Count Barboros, the final track (thank God), begins with that obnoxious growly laugh and has practically the same damn sound as the last tracks. Fuck, this is terrible.

Okay, I've had enough. I admit I'm not much of a metal head, especially black metal and the like. But I know bad composition when I hear it. And this is it.

0 out of 5. Yes, I can do that.